Its Gortex

I had a couple different ideas of what to post here. But then I realized that I don’t need to choose because I’ve been doing nothing at work since the end of the season so I can just post the other topic later in the week. So here is topic one. Letters to horrible teams, people, and other things that will never read this.


Dear Mo Carthon (Browns Offensive Coordinator),

The only thing keeping you from being the worst offensive coordinator in the league is the Oakland Raiders. You show no ingenuity or planning in your play calling. It’s just kind of like your pulling plays out of a hat. I put more thinking into my next call on NCAA football. I have to say that at least you’ve stopped calling play action plays on 3rd and long. Some improvement is better than none.


Dear Braylon Edwards,

Catch the ball. If it hits you in the hands catch the damn thing. I read an article that included a comparison of you to Charles Rogers. I scoffed at the time. And then Sunday came and your 4 drops scared me. I’m torn here because you play for the Browns so I want you to be good, but you went to Michigan so if you bomb part of me will be happy.


Dear Brady Quinn,

At least you don’t have to worry about the Heisman anymore.


Dear University of Illinois Football Program,

I vote to kick you out of the Big 10 right now. Getting shutout by a resurgent Rutgers team was bad, but losing to Syracuse at home was worse. Even if you just recruited in the Chicago area you should still win 5 games per year. I hope that you go 0-for.


Dear I-A schools who lost to I-AA schools,

Serves you right. Now I’m not one to speak because my alma mater does schedule the occasional I-AA school, but in our defense we are a MAC school and that’s the closest thing we have to a cupcake game. And the fact that Ohio State is playing Youngstown State next season doesn’t look good. I think that the best part of this is that the I-AA schools all received substantial payment to play the big school. So not only did they take the money, they also administered a butt whipping.


Dear Northwestern Football program,

I know that you lost your coach before the season. I’m sorry for that. But that’s no excuse for losing to New Hampshire. You’re a Big Ten team for God’s sake. Illinois getting embarrassed by the Big East is bad, but this is worse.


Dear Purdue Football Program,

You are the worst 3-0 team in the country. You gave up 35 to Indiana State (who is currently 0-3 with the other losses to Murray State and Eastern Illinois), then beat a down Miami, OH team by 7, and then stumble past MAC doormat Ball State by 10. Solid. Joe Tiller is not Santa Claus.


Dear ESPN,

Thank you for airing the Kansas-Toledo game Friday night. I’m glad that I can tell my children that I was witness to the heaviest combined coaching match up in NCAA history.


Dear University of Tennessee Football Program and Fans,

I’m not sorry that the Gators ruined your night of drinking moonshine and incestually raping each other (though you can’t rape the willing). I can only hope that one day Mark Hughes becomes President so that he bans your God forsaken fight song from the Earth (I of course will be on his cabinet thanks to numerous extortion deals, it will be the largest cabinet in US history). I only hope that there will be gators there to lick your tears and then tear off your head.


Dear Will Mucha,

I heard that you recently walked an hour and a half to an impound at 3:30am. Army crawled under cameras and scaled high fences to get into your car and plant someone else’s parking pass in your vehicle. All for the purpose of retuning the next morning to berate the towing company for towing your car from your friend’s apartment complex (which you made them believe was your complex). And it worked because you didn’t have to pay a dime because they bought your story. Even though I have never met you, you are truly an awesome dude.